God, I Feel So Useless
by badkitaah
Summary: [One Shot] Inuyasha does what he feels is write for Kagome, but is that really always the best thing? Rated PG-13 for references to sex, language, and alcohol


A/N: Hey guys. Second fic, not much but it will do. It's a songfic, actually, reflecting on some bad moves on Inuyasha's part and how he finally gets the love of his life to be truly happy. The situation (not the drinking) is all based on a true story, just with a couple members of Inuyasha laced into it. ^_^ Hope you like! ".." sentences are the song lyrics themselves. The song's from Stabbing Westward's "Sometimes It Hurts."  
  
P.S. I do not own Inuyasha (though I'd like to) or Stabbing Westward!  
  
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God, I Feel So Useless  
  
His car was finally parked. A red mustang screeching into the driveway of his home and a sick figure falling from the door as it popped open. Silver tresses enveloped him, covering his face as his shoulders shook violently with the upcoming force from his stomach. Only proved that he should not have been driving that night, not with memories still freshly etched into his mind.  
  
Coughing violently, he forced back the bitter taste in his mouth as ambers look up to his house, pulling himself together enough to stand on his feet and shut the door of his car. A blood red sleeve wiped at his mouth in frustration, walking with shaky balance up to the door and using his keys to open it. His weight was pushed onto the door, though, before he even got a chance to push it open and enter to the cool breeze. Tears were hitting his eyes, burning them as frustration rippled through his very being, right hand making a fist and smashing it in frustration against the door.  
  
"Sick o'clock in the morning, my head is ready to explode."  
  
Fighting back his tears, a muffled 'feh' echoed through the silent neighborhood as he wandered inside his home, finally, checking to see what time it was, though he had a feeling already as he found the sun beginning to rise behind his shoulder before he shut the door.  
  
"I can't believe I made it home alive."  
  
The keys to his car were thrown on an end table as he turned left into his living room, falling upon his couch with another muffled 'ouch' that came from a still untamed stomach. Thoughts were still racing in his head, all mixed up in the confusion he felt for drinking so much alcohol that night. Even with his eyes closed, his world was still shaking, and he knew even when the drunk state was through, the feeling would never fade.  
  
"I don't remember, where I went, or, what I was drinking."  
  
The uneasy feeling settled into his stomach again, trying to remember what he had been doing all night long, but the few memories that popped into his mind were horrible. Fighting back the oncoming vomit, the tired form pulled himself up to tug off his jacket and set it aside before, a sudden gesture caused him to run to the bathroom.  
  
"And now it's made me sick, and I'm not denying."  
  
His shoulders shook and his body heaved forward, but the only thing coming out was clear liquid. They said it was better to eat before one started drinking, but then again he was never one to comply, he was too much of a hot head.  
  
"That I get this way, when I try to get over you."  
  
Visions of the night blurred his mind, finally all too clear as he began to throw up once more.  
  
"I get this way, when I try to get over you."  
  
**flashback**  
  
A company party, rather formal, he always hated such things. His date for the night smiled up to him, reaching up to help him fix the midnight colored tie he wore. She was radiating with beauty, and it was all he could do to hide the blush creeping up to his cheeks when she went in to give him a hug and thank him. Unconsciously, he smelled her hair, her scent, the only thing that made him smile anymore. 'Kagome...'  
  
His companion for the evening smiled and took his arm, almost dragging him reluctantly to the bright building before them, all he could do was stare at her the whole time. Her smile reached her eyes that night, and he knew from the start that inviting her along with him was a good idea. Her raven colored hair was pulled up into a bun of curls atop her head, strands falling every which way to frame her creamy skin and neatly applied makeup. Her neck was adorned by a silver chain he had given her on the way there, which matched her hunter green dress perfectly. And somehow, he knew, that she was there for a reason, to help him.  
  
The party was big, rather dull if he had any say in it. Kagome, also, worked for the company and had many friends and admirers, walking about with him in tow, chatting it up with everyone. He really didn't mind, though, for every now and then she'd grab his hand and give it a gentle squeeze, or smile up to him, little thing that made his heart jump and his body ache to have her pinned to him protectively. She was all he ever wanted.  
  
But parties always have their bad sides. Maybe asking Kagome out on a date tonight was a bit too close to his recent breakup with his girlfriend for four years, Kikyou. He caught her walking in with a tall man, wavy brown hair... Naraku he thought his name was. Whoever he may be, Inuyasha had to fight the urge to run over and beat the hell out of him then and there for taking his Kikyou there... But then again, she was no longer his.  
Kikyou was the figure of elegance and wealth that night, as she always was as they were going out. Her hair neatly up in a bun, expensive jewelry about her neck, and a bright red salsa number hugging her perfect figure. Immediately, she caught Inuyasha's eye, smiling and excusing herself from Naraku to wander up and speak to him. Kagome was there all too quickly, though, as Kikyou tried to make friendly conversation. Kagome knew that Kikyou still loved her ex, and as jealous and rude as it may seem she wanted to make it clearly known that he was her date for the evening. No one else was to have Inuyasha.  
  
Upon finding out that she had easily been replaced, hurt and failure sprang across her eyes, but her face remained cold and distant. Fighting her oncoming tears, she ran off in a hurry, quickly followed by Naraku. Suddenly, an uneasy feeling settled in Inuyasha's stomach, and Kagome looked up upon him worriedly. He only nodded to her questions and looked off to where Kikyou had last run off to, suddenly rather ashamed of himself.  
  
Throughout the night he had started drinking, heavily. Kagome was worried but, then again, she was in the back of his mind at the moment. Inuyasha was worried for Kikyou and was unsure of what to do. The questions plagued him through the night, and as they kept on he kept drinking to the point where it was hard to see and stand on his own.  
  
**/flashback**  
  
"Sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one you love."  
  
He was towel drying his face, staring at his reflection in the mirror. Anger was coursing through his veins, his eyes twitching as he threw the towel aside in a bitter rage. 'Kagome!..."  
  
"Sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one you love."  
  
Suddenly, the anger was too much, the once powerful man, able to control all of his emotions... Began sinking down to a sitting position on the bathroom floor... And for the first time in his life he truly, honestly cried for someone other than himself. 'What did I do.'  
  
**flashback**  
  
All he remembered after that was anger and remorse. Inuyasha remembered someone underneath him, the growing need to please that person. He was growling fierily, taking her as is own, till he was spent and crashed beside her. An open door and an audible gasp woke him up a little bit later on, fighting to regain his vision as he moved raven tresses from his eyesight. Fingers adjusted the white material of the bed to hug his lower form, free of any clothing, as he looked up to a stunned woman...  
  
....And his heart fell.  
  
Looking beside him, he saw the peacefully sleeping Kikyou, also undressed. Kagome had tears in her eyes, though she was trying hard not to show it, apologizing and walking out. 'Kagome...'  
  
**//flashback**  
  
It shouldn't have been such a surprise, right...? Kikyou had been his for so long, it was a wonder why they had stayed apart for so long. The next day at work, the two had made up, and were now back together. Kagome and Inuyasha's relationship, though, had a sickening gap in between it.  
  
The whole day was spent making rude remarks, if at all paying any attention to the female. It was the only way he had known how to cope with what was happening. He only knew anger and bitterness, there was no other in between.  
  
"I tried so hard to hate you."  
  
He could see the hurt on her face as she only took the abuse, for the first few minutes that was. Then, the true hatred for the situation she herself felt began showing. Kagome's words were sharp, hard, and hurtful and she snapped at him.  
  
"But it only makes things worse... I only end up hating myself."  
  
She wanted explanations. He gave them to her.  
  
"And as my hatred grows, so do the lies."  
  
He 'feh'ed and walked off, turning a corner and running into Kikyou, who was now happily chattering away to him as if nothing happened.  
  
"It's hard to face the truth sometimes."  
  
Turning his gaze cautiously, making sure Kikyou didn't see, he looked over to Kagome... who, by now, was crying to a worried coworker.  
  
"God I feel so useless... God I hate myself."  
  
He remembered telling her to shut up, angrily pushing her aside as he almost ran from the image replaying in his mind, again and again. Why did it have to be this way?  
  
"When I try to get over you."  
  
She could never be his, never. Kikyou was always there and in his heart, and it was unfair of him to play games with her when he knew Kikyou was always his one and only. No, this was the right thing.  
  
"I hate myself, will I ever get over you."  
  
...Wasn't it?  
  
"Sometimes it hurts so much."  
  
Despite his many attempts at fending her off, she kept up, appearing with him everywhere to try and 'work things out.'  
  
"To lose the one you love."  
  
But he kept drinking every time she was there, it helped ease the pain and reality of the situation. Inuyasha thought, that Kagome was better off with someone else. That someone better than himself could make her happier than he ever could. So, he wanted her out of his life for good. It hurt to have her any other way.  
  
"Sometimes it hurts so much. To lose the one you love."  
  
On one occasion, he remembered being so drunk he started giggling like a school girl. Kagome only ran off, shouting out that he was a bastard and ignoring him for a solid week. He thought it was over, but once more the raven haired beauty came back.  
  
"And after all this time you'd think I understand the way you feel. But no."  
  
Kagome was still there, still trying to fix things. After all the mean words, the things he'd done to her, she still came back. Didn't she understand that he wasn't the one for her? That he would always be the bastard she had so bluntly accused him of being.  
  
"I only think about myself."  
  
After weeks and weeks of the same lines and the same games, Kagome finally stopped coming, she stopped calling and saying hello all together.  
  
"And it's driving you away."  
  
Inuyasha sighed. Finally, finally he could get on with his life, knowing that the person he loved so much could be happy, free of the despair she'd feel if she kept on trying to live in his life.  
The house was quieter now, with no telephone calls and no random visits by Kagome. Inuyasha sat at his dining room table, hands overlapping one another and pressed over his lips in thought. Ramen was cooked, steaming up at him for a good ten minutes but he couldn't really think of touching it, thoughts were plaguing his mind. Thoughts of her, and the love he once had. All he could do, now, was sigh, bowing his head to allow the stiffness in his body to deplete.  
And at that moment, he could only see her smile.  
  
"I always knew it would one day."  
  
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A/N: Sorry it wasn't much of a happy ending. ^_^;; I know you probably want to shoot me for that, right? Well, the real life tale didn't have a happy ending itself, and to make it suddenly appear to be "Oh! Everything's fine and I changed my mind so let's be together :D!" wouldn't fit the story very well, ya know? But, I hope you all DID enjoy it. ^_^  
  
-badkitaah 


End file.
